A look at 2012

January ~                 
JR turned 2

Jeff took part in a conference in Chicago
I met my annual medical deductible

February ~

JR and Mama took trip to Iowa to see our cousins
JR had her first visit to the dentist
Jeff attended a conference in Denver

March ~
My first attempt at 108 sun salutations
JR hosted her first annual Tea Party: A Chamomille Tea Party
I celebrated my third Lebanese Mother's Day




April ~
A family trip to Seattle
Jeff went to work in Vancouver, BC
JR planted her garden
JR brought fish home

May ~

Jeff turned 42
I decided to start blogging again
We spent a weekend in Charlottesville
JR and I had our third Mothers' Day photo shoot





June ~
Jeff flew to San Francisco
We got pregnant
JR, Teta, and I had a girls' weekend in Charlottesville
I did my second round of 108 sun salutations, and completed the challenge
JR held her second annual Tea Party: A Lemonade "Tea Party"


July ~
Our marriage turned 8
Jeff presented a paper in Hilsinki
JR had her first ever chocolate chip cookie







August ~
A family weekend in Colonial Williamsburg
A long weekend in New Hampshire






September ~
I turned 35
Our pregnancy turned 12 weeks
JR and I spent time in Seattle, Jeff stayed home






October ~
Our pregnancy turned 20 weeks
A family get-away to New York
Bed rest began at 18 week
We survived Hurricane Sandy






November ~
Jeff pulled off Thanksgiving dinner single-handedly
JR hosted her third annual Tea Party: An Apple Tea Party
Our pregnancy became "viable"








December ~
I did not pass my one-hour glucose test
We spent one last family of three getaway in Charlottesville
Jeff finished his second to last semester of classes for his Ed.D.

Being all things...

"One of the most difficult parts of maturing as a parent is realizing that you can't always be all things to all of your children. Parenting is a juggling act where you try to give each child what he needs according to his stage of development and your energy level. Although mothers seem to defy many laws of mathematics, you just can't give one hundred percent to each child all the time. You may need to call in some reserves."
Dr. Sears

JR painted this mug for Jeff for Father's Day

In "her" shoes

Everyone says they grow up so fast.

 They say you will miss those days.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

I try to hold on.

To make it last.

To stretch it out longer.

But in the end, the day is the day.

It is here, then it passes.

It becomes yesterday.

You can try to capture the moment.

Keep it in a frame.

 Commit it to memory.

Try as you might.

Others have tried, too.

The reality remains;

This passes, too.

They grow up.

Fast or slow.

They grow up.

And one day (today),

JR will too.

Lessons from Bed: the Wheelchair

Each year brings its own blessings and challenges.

Last year I was able to escort Jannah-Rae to most of the activities she was invited to, or that I arranged for her. Towards the end of this year, however, I had to relinquish my status as her primary companion and depend on the generous assistance and wonderful company of our loving friends and family. It was not easy giving up the upper hand nor was it fun to miss out on the activities that still went on around me. I was never one to sit beside the driver and yet I found myself being forced to sit back, relax, and watch as the world unraveled in front of my eyes and JR continued to discover the world around her without her Mama at her side.

God has chosen me for this role, I continue to learn valuable lessons as I recline on one couch, then the other, and move from there to the bed, and at times the wheelchair.

I learned that some people are inherently gracious and went out of their way to treat help us as they saw me being wheeled about, while others were just oblivious of the world around them and actually chose to get in through the other set of doors so as not to hold them open for Jeff and I.

I learned that asking for a four-top at a restaurant was okay if it meant I had somewhere to put my feet up and stretch them out.

I learned that accepting someone's offer to carry the extra tray was not a sign of weakness. And that help with shopping bags was a treat.

I learned that being physically "unable" did not make me "less" of a person. And that I did not have to apologise for my state of being.

I learned that not all customer service assistants were indifferent and that the lady behind the desk really meant it when she said, "I know you will get better soon."

I learned that while I so desperately wanted to go on each outing, each play date, each breakfast, and each carousel ride with JR, that it was alright for me to tell her I could not. Alright, but not easy. Alright, but still heart-breaking. Heart-breaking made worse when she says: "I wish you could come with me Mama," and my knowing that this is one wish I cannot grant her. Despite that, though, I learned that I can still be a good Mama, a great Mama even, even when I am stuck in bed. And that there are still numerous ways JR and I can learn, play, grow, connect, even in the confines of four walls.

Vincent

 

 

"Starry, starry night.
Paint your palette blue and grey,
Look out on a summer's day,
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul.
Shadows on the hills,
Sketch the trees and the daffodils,
Catch the breeze and the winter chills,
In colors on the snowy linen land."

It took until I had a child of my own with whom I wanted to share one of my favorite songs, for me to understand the real meaning of that song. It also took me until last week to find out its real name. Up until then I thought it was called Starry Starry Night but upon searching for it I found out that its real name was Vincent, after Vincent Van Gogh.

I first heard this song during my teenage years in Lebanon when I was a fan of the oldies channel. They would play it time and again and I found its lyrics and tune quite appealing. It is a sad song, but never really made me sad. It made me think, and stop and listen. It captured me and kept on playing in my head for years after that. Its memory would come and go but never completely leave me.

One day, I looked at our blue wall that was transformed into an ocean during the summer and thought that it was time to dress it up in a more season appropriate attire. Turning it into a night scene came to mind, and moon and stars started dancing in my mind. And then the song came racing back. It was time to share it with JR, and have it as background music while we worked on our craft.

How surprised I was to find out that the song was not just a "song." It had a story, a history. It was a tribute. It stood to honor the life of a person and not merely to sing about love and life. It was a song about a life, and a death. I was left stunned and now even more fascinated by the song. I was also left feeling glad I was able to share something so precious with my precious and leave her with something to appreciate beyond the simple lyrics of everyday songs.

Reminders

 

I could not resist sharing this photo.

JR a couple of weeks before she turned 2 listening to a story

at the Central Library while attending the

annual Winter Open House.

It came as an unexpected gift on a cloudy day

and brought back sweet memories.

 

I still remember the book she was listening to,

Bear Snores On,

 and remember loving it and being pleasantly surprised

when she later received a copy in the mail from

a relative in MN for her birthday.

 

It is easy to forget the small things in life,

the fleeting moments,

so I am always grateful for the reminders.

 

High Risk Pregnancy "Favorite" Things ~ 3

... In alphabetical order

Belly ~ I am so blessed to still be growing one.
And reamain anxiously monitoring its continued growth.  

Friends ~ who have been seeing me through this time in my life, both in person and from a distance.
They cook, clean, watch JR, bring treats and gifts, keep me entertained, hear me complain,
listen to me cry, and make me smile. They sympathise and empathise.
They text and call and email.
They keep me going.
 

 

Journal ~ because handwriting has become so scarce.

Nothing compares to writing out my words and thoughts. 

Typing them comes close but when the computer is out of reach, or broken, or low on charge, I can trust that my pen and paper will come through.

  

 

Little Girls ~ if Mama has a baby in her belly, so does JR!
When the day comes JR will have a baby sister, a baby brother, a dog, a cat, a fish and a pet lion.
Mama will just have one baby. Who wouldn't want to be JR!

 

 

 

Motorized shopping carts ~ how else would I navigate the aisles getting ready for JR's birthday!
I miss walking. I miss browsing. I miss being "able."
But when I got a chance to be "more" involved, I took it,
even if it meant relying on "wheels" in the store.
 

 

Teta ~ who lives conveniently close.
Without Teta JR would be sporting dreadlocks (and enjoying them!)
we would be eating frozen meals every day (and gaining more weight than we need to),
and the apartment would be covered with inches of dust (in addition to all the toys, books, and dolls that are already strewn all around).